How to Get Over a Heartbreak When You’re Feeling Lost
It was a one-sided love. I thought that I could win her over and have a happy ending like they all do in the movies. I wouldn’t define it as cheating or betrayal, as we were not “dating”, but it hurt just as bad because I did care about her.
I came back from a weekend trip and rang her because I wanted to see her.
“I’m going on a weekend lake trip with my co-volunteer worker that confessed to me last week. I’m going to check out the eye-candy at the lake!”
A lump formed in my throat and my heart squeezed tight and froze. It was the first time I had a shock like that. I wasn’t able to breathe and I had to sit down to process what just happened.
Awash of devastation, despair, and depression fell over me like when an eclipse completely blocks the light of the sun.
For months, I struggled to find some light. It felt like I was treading water in a storm and barely keeping my head above water from drowning into that sea of depression.
At times like these, you have to take action and look for things that will move you forward in life.
The next seven steps are what I found to be incredibly valuable for not only getting over heartbreak but for becoming and evolving into a better and bigger person.
The 7 Steps To A Better You
1. Start Reading
Massive Action is the Cure-All – Tony Robbins
Action Cures All – Tom Bilyeu
Tom Bilyeu and Tony Robbins have been massive influences on me since that heartbreaking event.
Following their teachings religiously brought me great relief because I came to understand how our past, our environment, etc. affect our psychology and behavior.
If you haven’t read Awaken The Giant Within by Tony Robbins, I highly recommend it. As it teaches you how to gain better control of your emotions and mind.
This helped me a lot in understanding where I came from, what values and beliefs I had, and what values and beliefs, let’s call her L, had.
Working back on all the interactions and stories L shared with me, I realized that we were very different people and although, we were attracted to each other I believe, any relationship would never have worked between us.
Both of us were just emotionally reactive to each other and neither of us had any self-awareness, which only resulted in pain, as it should.
Reading is the most effective (and affordable) way to get over heartbreak. Specifically, in the areas of personality, human behavior, and psychology.
I poured over all these topics and related them to what had happened, trying to find out where the mistakes were made, and what actions led to the results.
That’s what the majority of people DO NOT do, a lot of people do jump from relationship to relationship without resolving their past mistakes and hurts. They end up repeating their mistakes over and over again in a never-ending loop. Besides, they hurt every new person that gets into a relationship with them.
Stay away from those people. They are insane.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – Albert Einstein
By reading, you will gain knowledge, new ideas, and self-awareness. Because you’re opening yourself up to new ideas.
This should be anyone’s FIRST STEP to get over a heartbreak
Here’s a list of books that I’ve read, and personally suggest for getting you started:
- The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery by Ian Morgan Cron
- The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
- The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida
- The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships by Suzanne Stabile
- The 5 AM Club: Own Your Morning. Elevate Your Life by Robin Sharma
2. Find a Role Model
Soon after my heartbreaking situation, I started looking for help. I started asking questions and the universe started giving me answers.
It’s funny how when you’re looking for something life, the universe, or God gives you answers (though, they also gave you the problem you’re facing now).
Scrolling on Instagram, I stumbled upon an ad by Grant Cardone selling his 10X Growth Conference event. I saw this as a sign that it will help me out of my slump (at the end, it did), so I bought a ticket for 10X GrowthCon 3 and attended in Miami.
The event was a mix of motivation and inspiration and sales and marketing. It was a kind of business and personal development event. If you get the chance to go, do go. It’s worth it.
But it was at this event that I found speakers that shared their struggles. Some of them connected and some of them didn’t.
Those speakers that resonated with me I investigated more and got to learn more about them.
Quite a number of them were authors and I bought their books and read through their stories, which inspired me.
This was REALLY HOW I GOT STARTED READING.
Once you start following an author/influencer, you start getting book recommendations that offer more book recommendations and then you get into a never-ending loop of reading.
By finding a role model that resonates with you, you have someone to look up to that inspires and motivates you. They are an example to show you that if they can do it, you can do it too!
One tip for finding role models: Find someone whose story resonates with you. That makes you go “Wow, they are so genuine that I’m going to model what they did to better me.”
3. Write out your Ideal Mate’s Desirable Traits and Non-Desirable Traits
This is your first exercise on how to deal with heartbreak. Do it seriously. Here are the steps:
- Take a sheet of paper and divide it into two parts by drawing a line down the middle.
- On the left side, give it the title “Desirable Traits”
- On the right side, give it the title “Non-Desirable Traits”
- List 30 desirable traits that you’re looking for in a partner on the left side (i.e. loyal, kind, fun, smart, sexy, etc.)
- List 30 non-desirable traits that you can’t stand in a partner on the right side (i.e. mean, dishonest, negative, unkind, etc.)
- Circle the top 10 traits on the left side that are most important for you, that you cannot live without
- Circle the top 10 traits on the right side that are deal breakers for you, which you cannot stand.
The point of this exercise is to get you focused on what specifically you value.
I remember that when I did this exercise, I found L to be dishonest, negative, and quite unkind to people. To learn about what I wanted and didn’t want, helped my healing process.
Also, make sure that the traits you desire are also traits that you have. Because…
Like attracts Like.
Ever wonder why negative people are always surrounded by negative people? Or why positive people surround positive people? It is because of this concept.
If you have traits that you desire in a person, but you don’t have yet, then you need to work on yourself to obtain those traits, else the other person will tire of you and things will never work.
Exercise: Stop reading now, do this exercise to find your desirable and non-desirable traits, and then come back to read the rest of the steps.
4. Start Focusing on Other People and Look for the Desirable Traits in Them.
#5 on this article says to “Don’t fill it in with someone else”. That is, don’t try to fill the hole in your heart with random people.
You should NEVER do this at any time.
When you seek affection or relations with random people, what you are seeking is attention and external validation.
Sorry to break it with you, but that validation is low quality and you are bringing down the quality of yourself and the value you bring to others by doing this.
Like I said earlier, jumping from partner to partner BEFORE figuring out what YOU did wrong is NOT healthy and won’t help any new relationship you have. It’ll just make you feel like shit while making you more paranoid that everyone is an asshole.
In short, you become jaded.
If you don’t figure out what went wrong in your previous relationship, you’ll just end up repeating the same mistakes.
Again, quoting Albert Einstein…
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – Albert Einstein
That is NO WAY for getting over a heartbreak.
But Donald, what you’re saying is different from the title, “Start focusing on other people…”
Let me help you with that.
I’m saying not to go date or sleep with a random stranger to fill the hole in your heart, that is incredibly dangerous, not to mention degrading to yourself.
But do focus on the “random acts of kindness” from strangers or the little things in life to bring back your faith in humanity.
I remember I met two strangers on the street at 10X GrowthCon (now very good friends).
We all found out we were all going to the same conference and at that time, I was still healing my heart.
Later on during the weekend, we ended up at a networking party and had dinner together. After I finished my meal, I left to use the restroom and after I came back, I found my meal fully paid for by my new friends.
It’s the “random acts of kindness” and the “little things” that will change your mindset to believe that “there are really good people out there”.
5. Start Taking Responsibility and Owning Up to Your Mistakes
It’s easier to blame others for a poor outcome. You don’t have to take any responsibility. You continue your life doing the same thing without making any changes because you’re telling yourself “It’s not my fault”.
“He was stupid.”
“He was a jerk.”
“She was a bitch.”
“She always complained.”
I hear it time and time again and I used to say the same thing. Until, I told myself, “Yes, but I was also the one who decided to be with them.”
How many people make that confession? That it was THEIR CHOICE to be the partner of someone who gave him or her so much pain. To be the partner of someone who broke his or her heart?
Like I said, for most, it’s easier to put the blame and responsibility on someone else. It couldn’t be you and your choices. It can’t be. You don’t make mistakes, bad choices, or wrong decisions.
You’re always right! They’re always wrong!
But that way of thinking, of neglecting responsibility, will only lead to you repeating your mistakes and results.
Because when you don’t take responsibility, you don’t own up to anything, you don’t learn the lessons THAT NEED to be learned.
The result? Insanity.
The “responsible” do not get along well with the “irresponsible”. That’s not something that lasts.
Let me give you an analogy phrased as a question: Would you, a responsible driver, let your drunken friend give you a ride home?
Then, why would you let someone irresponsible ride with you in your life? Or could you be the one that’s irresponsible in your relationships?
6. Focus on Your Hobbies, Goals, and Dreams
One of my goals and dreams was always to create passive income streams that’ll let me live my life however I wanted.
To earn a living without doing the 9-5.
But when I was seeing L, all my focus was on her. This was a mistake and I own up to it.
Nothing is more unattractive than a man that doesn’t focus on their goals and dreams.
After 10X, I started focusing on my hobbies, goals, and dreams. To create passive income to let me live the life I desired.
That was all I was focused on. It also served as a distraction from L, which helped me with my healing.
Just thinking about the person who broke your heart will strengthen the neural pathway and the bad experience you had with them. When you start associating that bad experience with “that’s how relationships are like,” then you are wiring your brain to get into toxic relationships.
That’s why you have to get your mind off that person by being 100% focused on and distracted by your hobbies, goals, and dreams.
You CANNOT let those neural pathways form.
If you want to learn more about neural pathways and how the brain works, then refer to this article.
Couldn’t have said it any better myself.
One last thing about your hobbies, goals, and dreams. Unlike people, which you cannot control. You can control your hobbies, goals, and dreams. There is a 0% chance of it breaking your heart (although, it can break your bank).
You can always control the progress of your hobbies, goals, and dreams. That progress will also give you a sense of fulfillment and joy that you’ll be surprised by.
7. Ask Yourself Questions
As I said in #2 – Find a role model, I asked myself questions and the universe gave me answers.
That’s really how I believe the world works.
When you ask smart questions, your subconscious gives you smart answers.
I don’t believe relationships fail because of one person. It takes two. There was disagreement, anger, resentment, and then you both split. Isn’t that how it works?
Then you start crying, eating ice cream, and feeling sorry for yourself. Hopefully.
If you don’t feel any of that, then you didn’t take that relationship and person seriously and you’ll have to question whether you’re a good and righteous person.
People that value themselves won’t waste their time on relationships and people they don’t care about.
Progress is found in pain and struggle.
Since you contributed to the failure of your relationship that resulted in heartbreak, you have to ask yourself:
“Where did I go wrong?”
“What mistakes did I make?”
“Was I unfair and where was I selfish?”
What do these questions have in common? They all focus on you instead of the other person.
It’s all so easy to focus on what someone else did, what faults they have or had, and where they went wrong.
So easy that we hardly realize that we’re not perfect either.
Once we start shifting blame, we are giving away our power and our responsibility to learn, which is how we get over a heartbreak and not repeat the same mistakes.
What Will You Do Now That You Know How To Get Over A Heartbreak?
There you have it. Those are the seven steps to get over heartbreak.
It’s not easy, it’s super hard. It’s cleaning the skeletons out of your closet.
But you will grow, you will cry, you will get over it, and you will learn.
And ultimately, learning and growing are the solutions for how to get over a heartbreak.
Read the books I suggested, find your role model, do the exercise of desirable and non-desirable traits, focus on good people, take responsibility, focus on your hobbies, goals, and dreams, and start asking yourself smart questions.
Then you’ll be well on your way on getting over a heartbreak.
Alright, class dismissed. Now go and TAKE ACTION!
P.S. If you want more content about this stuff, human behavior, psychology, relationships, etc. be sure you sign up for my newsletter at coursehack.club and you’ll be off to the races.